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低分黑马:历史发烧友夺UCLA录取

时间:2013-04-05 11:24:40  来源:威申教育  作者:威申留学

总评:

在竞争愈来愈激烈美国本科申请的大军中,在一片“尼玛啊!拒信一大片有木有?伤不起啊!”的哀鸿片野的咆哮声中,Peter Xu如愿拿到了心仪的UCLA的录取信,他给我发短信说“甘勇老师,我看很多比我SAT和托福都高的同学都拿到了UCLA的拒信,我是不是算是一朵奇葩了,呵呵。”是的,如果单单看他的SAT和托福的成绩,Peter确实是幸运的。但是Peter的闪光点确是让我觉得这个申请结果也是意料之中的。

 

360无死角の案例分析

基本背景:

院校    河北某重点高中

学历    高中应届生

申请专业    历史、经济

GPA    92/100

标准化 TOEFL93; SAT1: 1890

获奖    各种三好学生称号、作文比赛获奖

 

闪光点分析

经过和Xu的深入沟通,我们发现Xu对历史有着狂热的兴趣和独到的见解,这也是我们认为是Xu同学的闪光点。作为一个高中生,他就已经出版了自己的书籍“Enjoy History”,在这本书中,他记录了他对旅行的意义的思索,以及在每到一处,对历史遗迹的考究和探求。

 

Peter同学从小受到了良好的家庭教育和影响,博学识广,长期大量地阅读,写笔记及思考。特别是对历史的学习和兴趣达到了痴迷的程度,通过他的《Enjoy History》一书可证明他的特别之处。在当代学生中算属稀有。

 

Peter的最大愿望就是将来当一名历史老师,从事历史研究。他对历史学科的那般情深和专注,显露出一种科学的探究精神和创新精神,让我自豪。他的心灵世界是那般的纯真、宁静、火热和美好,使人感动和向往,甚至我曾在脑海中萌生出一个念头:再过十几年、二十几年后,Peter很有可能发展成为一名杰出的历史学家或思想家、哲学家,梦想着自己的学生未来会顶天立地,真正造福于民族和人类。

 

Peter是幸福的,他的父母给予了他极大的理解和支持。他的爸爸妈妈对我说:“甘勇老师,我们家孩子就想学历史,将来当个历史老师,学习研究历史是他最大的快乐,我们会全力支持他,圆他这个梦。”这让我很感动。因为这些年来,一届又一届学业优等的学生在申请美国大学时,在院系专业的选择上,一家人拿不定主意的是常态,选择热门专业将来有高收入是人之常情。而Peter父母在孩子未来专业的确定上是那样的自然和长远,让人敬佩。

 

Peter学习历史有很强的责任感,发表过很多有关历史的文章,读他的文章,虽然有稚嫩,但感觉真实,自然,有一股浓厚的历史生活气息扑面而来,他强烈的认识到,学习历史,自己背负着一个沉重艰巨的任务,“学习历史,无论是欣赏文物,还是回忆过去,讲述历史只是一个方面,重要的是以史为鉴,做好现在的事,开创一个光明的未来”。他认为要通过了解中国历史上各个时期的政治、经济、军事、文化和民俗等,感受祖先曾经有过的荣耀和耻辱,然后把这些总结后作为今人继续前进的引子,要走好下一个脚印,要让它像过去脚印一样漂亮,也要避免走歪,不要犯和前人一样的错误。”十几岁的孩子却有了这样强的历史使命感,有了这样心怀天下的济世情怀,所以他不像其他学生为考试而读书,对史学无限的热爱与追求,更是掌握规律,吸取借鉴,进而造福世界的渴望,驱动他不停地学习、思考、创新。

 

对于这样一个申请者,我们应该如何呈现给美国名校录取委员会的大爷们呢?

 

Peter和我分享了我觉得非常有意义的一次旅游经历:一次他到日本长野做交换生,在一个寺庙里看到一个祭拜的年长的僧人,他步履蹒跚,脸上有大片伤痕而显得恐怖狰狞。后来通过交流,他得知此老僧人是广岛核爆的受害者,实际上,僧人的全家都受到了战争的残害。而留在他脸上和身上其他部位的伤疤,正是无情残酷的人类史的印记。这个亲身经历使得Peter思索战争的意义,以及我们应该如何书写历史,避免历史悲剧的探索。

 

这个经历,我建议他作为Personal Essay写出来。将他的思考,心理感受,以及期望,通过文字展现出来。在我的指导下,Peter完成了下面这篇真实而惊艳的文书。我认为这篇文书弥补了他在SAT和托福上面的缺陷,使得他争取到了多所美国顶级名校的亲睐。当然,Peter的文字略显稚嫩,甚至还出现了一些语法和用词的错误,但我并没有将它修改, 相反,我建议将这些“无足轻重的残缺”留在文书中,这不仅是因为Peter的故事足够好,也是因为美国名校录取委员会的大爷们希望看到的不是一篇professional edited essay, 而是一篇uniquegenuine essay.

 

Peter的同意,我将此Common Application 几乎是一剑封喉的Personal Essay贴于此处,供有意申请美国大学本科留学的童鞋们参考:

 

文书分析:

A Carpenter in History

 

 Just be a carpenter and build a fine structure my mothers close friend, a popular writer said, Dont let the facts overrule you, read the history in your way.

 

I might find it is not easy to recall when I started to ask what is history, but I do remember the thrill when I first saw that mottled, fragmentary skull of Peking Apeman in Beijing History Museum at the age of six. The skull together with bone needles, sand table found in Stone Age led me to another world in which Apeman killed beasts and sawed animal fur in the jungle. Since then there is no other thing fascinates me more than reading history. There is no where I can have a better story of Tory or the more complex nature of King David. To chase the footprints of history, I have been travelled all around from the National Palace Museum, the Xi'an terracotta warriors and horses, the Dunhuang Mogao Grottoes, to the British Museum and Louvre. The mysterious treasure and the blood-boiled stories of war seem to be the main attraction of history. Only when my journey in Japan did I realize that there is something more about history.

 

Learning and inheriting the culture of Tang Dynasty, Japanese keep tea ceremony, flower arrangement, and architecture of Tang style, which are gradually fading away in China. So I was incredibly excited when I finally won the qualification for the 2008 JENESYS Programme, (Japan-East Asia Network of Exchange for Students and Youths), and just could not wait to see the the Zenkō-ji in Nagano, dating from about 1400 years ago, which is the earliest and most significant Buddhist temple in Japan.

 

Passing the threshold of the main hall of Zenkō-ji, I seemed stepped back into the former age. The sharp touches of the chisel are gone from the exquisite emblem on the door, and the antique josses lose their painting; everything bears marks sculptured by time. When I was about to lose myself in the stillness and seriousness, the sudden steps from my back broke into my thoughts. There came an old man, bald and pale, in a black suit barely covering his bent back when stumbling with his stick. I tried to hold him but he refused. What happened then was embarrassing: I snatched my hand away, hardly concealed my astounding at the moment I touched his wrinkled, sallow skin, covered with ragged scar. Shamed of making a fuss, I stammered my apology. He lost most of hearing in the atomic bomb, cant hear you anyway. the mock explained and pointed a direction,  Down the hall there is a tunnel where if he finds and touches the key to paradise in complete darkness, he will have his wish come true.

 

I have seen him ever since I served here, the mock continued, All his families suffered cancers after the bomb. He once came with his wife and sibling praying for their health, but he is all alone now. All the members in the hall were silent and then uttered some pity over the fate of the poor man.

 

Then the bell in the temple rang, all the men were hushed and I held the breath to listen to the echo in my mind. It was the sad beauty of a past cut off from the present, which gently eased the pain caused by history. The mock whispered with a smile, thats the power of Buddhist, thousands of survivors kept visiting here for years, healing their spiritual pains.

 

It was the moment I realized that history is not just belong to the great events and great people; history is also belong to millions of innocent victims behind the victoryactually neither side won in a war. The names of victims might fade away in history, just like the lettering on the gravestone worn away by time. However, history is found on their bleeding wounds, their desperate pray, more than on the pages of historical books.

 

注意:美国大学有防抄袭系统,提醒同学们千万不要抄袭。一定要根据自己的真实经历挖掘素材。把自己最unique的一面展现出来。告诉美国名校录取委员会的大爷们你在思考着,独立地思考着,华丽丽地把你的独特的一面展现出来吧:)

 

录取信展示

UCLA录取信.jpg

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